Why is impossible to dress like a self-respecting human at the first mention of blustery weather? I cannot begin to express how many people I have seen teetering down sidewalks today in puff coats and sweat pants! To paraphrase the venerable style-guru Jerry Seinfeld: “You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”
Now friends, I am not immune to this phenomenon, in fact my naked and sex-haired self stumbled in the closet this morning and returned with an 80’s sea-foam green cardigan and a pair of Ugg boots. Let’s just say that I ventured into work looking half Mister Rogers (R.I.P.) and half cave man. Why, you might ask, do so many people suffer from the inability to dress in cold weather?
I believe this a multi-faceted problem; the first being leg hair. My research shows that leg hair grows a helluva-lot faster when you’re getting goose-bumps all the time, and so, it is in great abundance during the winter. Extra leg hair, combined with the fact that it is too damned cold to take a shower (and the fact that I can’t afford the blades for my fancy-ass razor), means you face the day with Sasquatch legs. Leg hair of this caliber, ladies and gentleman, means either of two things: Jeans or Fancy Jeans. This is proven to make you feel lackluster and guilty for avoiding all of the beautiful Houndstooth and Tartan skirts sobbing in your closet, and so you throw in the towel, and put on a dated thrift-store sweater. It is a vicious, vicious cycle.
So don’t worry, girl-on-side-walk-with-rhinestone-butted-sweat-pants, I know how you feel. My jeans may be designery, but I too, let the weather get the better of me. Tomorrow, let’s at least try to put on some mascara, whadda ya say?
Text by Hannah Morris
